Today I had a pivotal moment – something I have been working
towards for several months now, something that I have really struggled to
attain – a moment of boredom. Well, perhaps
not boredom… but for a few minutes, I had nothing to do. This was a victory.
You see, I used to be bored all the time, and I enjoyed it. I was single, so my days were work, go home
and chill out reading or watching tv.
On the weekends I would hang with friends. Oh there were the occasional episodic drama moments in life, but
generally… that was it. Until about 5
years ago. Let’s run down the last five
years and then laugh as we compare it to what I just wrote.
- 2010 – I met my future husband, married him, and before the year was out we were expecting our first child. That was a big year.
- 2011 – The first year of marriage coupled with pregnancy hormones. Fun. I worked until about 2 months before the baby and then quit my job forever (that was a great moment!). Then the baby came, and the first few months were a bit of a struggle for some tedious reasons I won't go into at the moment. But we all made it through and sallied forth.
- 2012 – The first part of the year was almost mellow, and I foolishly thought things were calming down, so I decided to start an intermediate course in herbalism. Until baby #1 turned one year old and I realized then that baby #2 was on the way. Then we (and about 70% of our possessions) had to move out of our house for a month for some desperate repairs. Then move back in.
- 2013 – In hindsight, this was a year of peace. Despite regular ups and downs, the arrival of baby #2 was smooth and we had a wonderful transition. I wrapped up my course and opened up a small (very small) little business in herbal goodness. Amazingly the school that I learned under wanted to hire me as an instructor! AND take advanced work in aromatherapy! How could I resist that? But by December we knew things were about to change…
- 2014 – The Year of the Big Move. We completely uprooted and took a gamble on a new job in a much, much larger city. Really, it was a smooth transition and the move has been a great step for us, but it still, any huge change has its toll on both the family unit and the individuals. I continued to work and study and my entrance into our new city was invigorating to say the least. I wanted to do EVERYTHING. Learn! Teach! Open multiple businesses! Blog! the list really was extensive…and insane. Because somehow I had translated the sweetness of pipe dreams into attempting to do "all the things" in a very literal sense. By the end of the year I was completely burned out and overwhelmed with everything I was trying to do. And I might add, I wasn't doing any of these things particularly well.
And this little summary really covers just the basics –
there is so much it doesn’t cover. But
what I really can’t communicate is the incessant (and needless) DRIVE I increasingly
felt. I don’t know if it stemmed from
years of working, and guilt that I was staying home with my children. Or did I feel like I had no value in what I
was doing and kept looking for more? Or
somewhere along the way did this person who used to value “quiet time” no longer
face an empty moment or peaceful silence.
I’m not sure what happened but that is what I had become. Afraid of stillness, suspicious of silence,
and ceaseless busy – yet often without purpose. But filling my time entirely wasn’t working. I was spinning my wheels without actually getting
anything done. I was frantic to
accomplish something, anything, and yet the reality was I was doing too much without
intention, so nothing was satisfying or complete. And what was worse, I had the nagging feeling that my girls' sweet baby years were sweeping by me, unnoticed. It wasn't that I was too busy (or mothers everywhere would be guilty of the same problem), it was my attitude and approach to that busyness. I was entirely and completely self-absorbed. I need to stop and smell the flowers, but I wasn't sure how...or even if...I could pull myself from the brink. It was an addiction, and it was foul.
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